Remembering The Crash

sometimes, I hate sleeping. I hate dreaming. Your presence still haunts me when I wake and terrifies me when I dream. There are some days I want to let go and join both of you there. How is the little one? Too bad I'll never be a father. I think I would have been a good one, like my Dad. I shoyuld have listened to you when you tried to tell me the secret. I got drunk but I was soo happy. Our lives were about to change for the better... and that's when I lost you. I want to believe that there's some meaning to your absence but instead I have to wear this ugly mask everyday so I can be human and not be seen for who I really am. Sometimes I forget you are gone... I have a job and I've learned to smile. Every night I try not to let it all end. I miss you so much...

Mirrors Lie

I'm not beautiful.
When I see myself, I see the flaws that has built me, the scraps of self-worth that has shamefully clothe this ugly skin.
I realize I am envious
Of those who stare at themselves in that mirror called Desire.
They are beautiful.
they are objects of themselves
They are their own seduction, possessing themselves with such greed and confidence.
I fear my mirror (all mirrors show the past. That's their only power and our failure).
I do not have perfection.
I am only as good as my last glance and this saddens me, forcing me to look again and again to catch that moment when I am truly current and beautiful but
I am not beautiful.
I am a monster.
I cry in the rain.
I laugh in the sun.
I weep.
I feel pain.
I need Love.
I have loneliness and longing like all the monsters before me.
My feet are deformed by ugliness, my hands are clumsy, my heart is sick.
My Hope has wept, my prayers have died. My mirror has shown me how.
I will never be beautiful like you, my Angel.
No monster ever is.
No monster can ever hope to be.